Puella Magi Madoka Magica Redux: The Abridged Series
by Weaver the 8th
Summary: Something strange is happening in the world of Madoka, and it all is connected with a strange dark haired girl who keeps verbalizing her stage cues. In here lies the script for Puella Magi Redux: The Abridged Series. Please sit back and enjoy the madness that is to come. What could be Madoka's fate in this new horrible world! Probably something involving a naked space hug.
1. Episode One: Darn You Escher

Mami defeats Gertrud while shouting: Unlimited Musket Works! Curse Word!

Mami: You know Kubey, even though I almost died today, I had a lot of fun with you.

Kubey: Oh, you poor girl. You really need to make some friends. But first, cheeseburgers! (laugh track)

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Opening)

We are in a post apocalyptic building, a pink haired girl is running through it like a ninny.

Madoka:(huffpuffing)I knew I shouldn't have played Silent Hill right after going to that M C Escher Gallery!

Madoka sees door: Ooo! Clearly marked exit.

Madoka entering Witch Labyrinth Thingy: Oh cool, cut scene.

Madoka: Oh, I think I missed the save prompt.

Kubey: Uh, you know its not safe out here, right?

Madoka Turns to face strange plush: Oh hi, are you the save prompt?

Kubey: Um, no.

Madoka: Shoot I must have missed it earlier. Hey is that girl getting crushed by a building?

Homura gets hit by building: (monotone) Ow.

Kubey: Looks like it.

Both are quiet for a bit.

Madoka: Should I do something?

Kubey: Well the only thing you can do to help is make a contract with me. But you should really know the details first, so its better that you not become a magical girl. Even though I could grant any wish that you wanted. Any. At all.

Madoka: You can grant any wish?

Kubey: Yep, you could ... wait what were we talking about? I've been forgetting things a lot lately... almost like someone made a time traveling wish and sent the ill effects onto me.

Madoka: Yeah... moving on. You were going to make me a goddess of all existence.

Kubey: Huh? Really?

Madoka: Yes, now stop asking questions and do it you adorable abomination.

Kyubey: Sure thing! Godhood coming up.

Madoka: My greatest dream is coming true. If this was an anime this would the best ending evars!

Homura: No! You are ruining everything!

Madoka wakes up: Huh? Aw, what a great dream.

Madoka in the bathroom with her mom Momoka

Momoka: You know, I told you not to play Silent Hill after going to that M. C. Escher gallery.

Madoka: I know...

Madoka on her way to school: Oh Hi Sayka. Who's your friend?

Sayaka: This is Hitomi, she is totally awesome!

Hitomi: I'm just waiting till you two get boyfriends, then I'll steal them from you, breaking your hearts into a thousand pieces. You two will bring me up to thirty.

Madoka: Wow Sayaka, she's a slut.

Hitomi starts waving her finger at Madoka: Now, now. No shaming words. I am a _bitch_.

Madoka: How is me calling you a bitch not shaming?

Sayaka: Dogs are awesome!

Madoka: Point taken.

Hitomi: Ahem, we should be going. Hearts won't break themselves.

Sayaka: Isn't she awesome Madoka?!

Madoka: Didn't you hear what she just said?

Sayaka: Something about doggies?

Madoka: (quiet)

Hitomi: Heh, too easy.

Madoka is in class with her dumb friend and slutty bitch.

Teacher: All righty, time to introduce the new transfer student Ms Homura Akemi!

Homura walks in with her hair billowing n the breeze: Epic entrance...

Teacher: Now I shall comically misspell your name.

Homura: Now I shall comically correct you.

Teacher: Okay class, I just got tenure so I shall have Ms. Akemi lead class today. Peace!

Teacher leaves the room.

Homura at the board: so we divide the pi by the square root of the imaginary number than multiply by the hypotenuse of the cube of the parabola...

Student: I think she's making stuff up.

Madoka: You just go that?

Cafeteria

Student girl: You're new so you're cool.

Student 2 speaking like valley girl: I, like, love your, like, uber mysterious monotone... like.

Homura: I'm sorry I'm allergic to valley girls.

Homura walks up to Madoka: You have pink hair, so that must mean you are a nurse's aid. Take me to the nurse's office, Nurse Joy.

Madoka: Actually student girl number two is the nurse's aid. Though I understand how you mistook me for the aid. It happens a lot.

Homura: Walk with me.

Madoka: Ooookay.

Homura and Madoka start walking through the school.

Homura: walk, walk, walk, walk...

Madoka: You certainly seem to know where you are going.

Homura: I just like walking around halls randomly.

Madoka: Oh...

Homura stops and turns to Madoka: (to herself) Epic turn. (To Madoka) Madoka Kaneme, do you value the life you have now?

Madoka: Wha? Uh, yeah sure. I mean I have a few complaints, but who doesn't. I mean no one's life is perfe-

Homura: Whatever, just don't sell your soul away. Unless its for something extra juicy. (swerve away) 'Kay, Bye.

Madoka: Wow... what a freak.

Madoka at a fast food place: So Sayaka, what do you think of the new transfer student?

Hitomi: Why aren't you asking me what I think?

Madoka: (quiet)

Hitomi: (quiet)

Madoka: So Sayaka what do you think of the new transfer student?

Sayka: Ug! She is so not awesome! What does she think? Acting like some kind of weird transfer student is moe or something?

Flashes to Homura looking in a mirror with her shaky glasses: I'm so Moe!

Flashes back to Sayka: It makes me sick! (hits head on table)

Sound Effect: whap

Madoka is now in a music store, in a mall, somewhere in Japan. Presumably.

Madoka: Wow, you're right Sayaka. This music really speaks to me.

Kyubey: (telepathic) Help me...

Madoka: (gasp) Is this about when I illegally downloaded you last week? I'm sorry, I'll pay for this CD if it makes you feel better.

Kyubey: Actually I want you to come into the empty and poorly lit section in the mall where there won't be any witnesses.

Madoka: You want me, an underage girl, to go to into the empty and poorly lit section in the mall where there won't be any witnesses?

Kyubey: Yeppers~

Madoka shrugs: 'Kay. (to Sayaka) Hey, Sayaka, I think you're going to finally get a chance to use that taser.

Sayaka: Hooray! Zapping pedophiles is fun!

The two are now walking in the dark creepy section of the mall.

Madoka: Here I am, an under-aged girl who has no defenses against possible attackers!

Kyubey running up to them: Help!

Madoka: Dang it. You don't look like a pedophile.

Sayaka: Aw...

Homura walks up: Don't touch that creature.

Madoka: Why, is it some kind of Mephistopheles allusion that will try to steal my soul away with the illusion of wishes?

Homura: Uh... no. Now could you move a little to the left so I can shoot him and traumatize you for the remainder of the twelve episodes.

Madoka: What?

Homura: You know everyone loves a broken bird character. It'd give you some major moe points with our audience. They would just eat that up.

Sayaka: Hyah! Fire extinguisher!

Homura: Oh no fire extinguishers, my one true weakness.

Sayaka tosses extinguisher

Madoka and Sayaka escape

Homura in the background: Ow.

Sayaka sees Kyubey: What is that thing? Can I taze it?

Madoka: Probably not. Keep it handy just in case though.

Homura dramatically leaps out of the background: Fwoosh. (looks about vacantly) Oh, darn, where did they go? (gaspies) Oh no, the pringles men are coming.

Sayaka: Oh no, pringles men! We're gonna be assaulted! … Get it? Assaulted? You know, like salt and chip-

Madoka: We get it. Shut up Sayaka.

Pringles men: Once you pop the fun don't stop.

Madoka: Oh no! We entered into the product placement zone!

Sayaka: I don't even like chips!

Mami: Don't worry, I shall save you from this poorly conceived ad for a famous snack food.

Madoka and Sayaka: 'Kay.

Mami: Unlimited Musket Works! Curse words!

Pringles men: Retreat! Her catch phrase is cooler than ours!

Kyubey: Mami saved us, you should totally be her friends.

Madoka: Weren't you bleeding to death a second ago?

Kyubey: Oh right. Argh, it's so horrible.

Sayaka: Can I taze him now?

Madoka: Maybe.

Mami: Aw, Kyubey! Did you find me some friends? That's so sweet.

Homura: No, do not be friends with her Madoka.

Madoka: I'm not becoming anyone's friend! I don't even know what is going on here!

Mami: I'll be serving some cake at my house at four tomorrow.

Madoka: Friendship is awesome!

Homura: Curses, foiled by pastries. (to herself) Swerve... exit into shadows.

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Ending Credits)


	2. Episode Two: Drugs Are Bad

Homura jumps over a pole: Vwoosh...

P.E. Teacher:She just broke the prefecture record! Like magic!

Madoka: Her icy cold stare pierces my soul... like Magic.

Kyubey in some bushes.

Kyubey: I'm sitting in the bushes. Like magic!

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Opening)

Melodramatic music plays over a completely black screen

Mami: My story... is not one for the faint of heart. When I was, probably, a ten year old girl... my parents died in a car crash.

A crudely drawn car with smiling people, which is connected to a stick, drives by the screen.

Mami: Vrooooom! Vroooooom! (drawing starts to violently shake) Eeeeeee!

Flash to Madoka sitting at Mami's table: Yeah... anyway, this cake is really great.

Mami: You didn't let me finish.

Madoka: I'm sorry, that cut scene was just terrible.

Mami: I did the best I could! I didn't know that I'd be having guests...

Sayaka: I thought the graphics were pretty good. My favorite part was that weird wooden object connected to the paper.

Mami: It's nice to know someone appreciates my efforts.

Kyubey, while eating some cake: So, are you friends with Mami yet?

Madoka: Maybe.

Mami: Exposition time!

Madoka and Sayaka: Yaay!

Mami: So I sold my soul and now I'm damned to fight eldritch abominations till the day I die.

Madoka and Sayaka: Yay?

Mami smiling as she holds her soul gem: So, any of you want to join me in this horrible fate?

Sayaka: Awesome!

Madoka: Didn't you hear anything she just said?

Sayaka: We get to become magical girls who fight for truth, justice, and the Japanese way!

Madoka: I can't take you anywhere.

Mami: Don't be shy.

Sayaka: Hey, is that your head symbolically resting on your lap in that reflection.

Mami: … Oh bleepers.

Sayaka: Come to think of it, are you like a mentor figure?

Mami: I guess...

Sayaka: Ooo! Like Obi-wan Kenobi!

Mami: Oh...

Madoka: Uh... don't you have a paraplegic to be stalking?

Sayaka: Oh right! He's probably changed his room number again. Sayaka away!

Sayaka in a hospital room with Kyosuke.

Kyosuke: Oh, hi... Sayaka.

Sayaka: Silly Kyoyo. Why do you keep changing room numbers?

Kyosuke: You really can't take a hint can you.

Sayaka: I heard you like music so I got you some death metal!

Sayaka puts a headphone in hers and Kyosuke ears.

Kyosuke: (Thinks to himself) Maybe if I act crazy she'll go away...

Kyosuke: Yargh! I'm crazy! (smashes CD player) Ow! Pain!

Sayaka: So hot.

Kyosuke: Argh! I made it worse!

One enforced restraining order later

Madoka: So he called his nurse on you, huh?

Madoka and Sayaka walk to school

Sayaka: But he did it in the most loving way.

Kyubey pops onto Madoka's shoulder: Ooo, talking about love? I can give you some pretty good advise.

Madoka: What gender are you anyway...

Sayaka: Share your wisdom space ferret!

Hitomi walks up: Speaking of love, how's your love lives going?

Madoka: Wait, she heard you?

Kyubey: Course not silly. Only you guys and Mami can see me because of my awesome psychic powers.

Hitomi: (quiet)

Madoka: I think she can hear y-

Hitomi: Anyway... found a boyfriend yet Sayaka?

Sayaka: Totally! He's crazy about me. Here's his room number, and name, and likes, and dislikes, and the pretty paper he got me...

Hitomi: It says Restraining Order.

Sayaka: Silly, its a joke gift!

Hitomi: Like fish in a barrel.

Madoka: Well, come at me you harpy. I got the ultimate man!

Hitomi: Please, I've stolen the hearts of hundreds of boys. What could possibly keep him from fall-

Madoka: Harry Mason. Bam!

Hitomi: Right... so what? He's foreign. I can still-

Madoka: Harry is a character from a video game. He exists only in my mind, and we're happily steady.

Hitomi: He's not real? (upset :( face ) I can't break your heart!

Hitomi starts running off crying: I can't break your heart! I can't break your heart!

Madoka: Ha ha! And mom said my video game obsession would never pay off.

Kyubey: That sounds a bit like a hollow victory.

Madoka: Shut up space ferret.

Madoka and Sayaka are now sitting outside by some fences, Sayaka is holding onto said fence.

Sayaka: Let's see... world supply of chocolate... llama baron...

Kyubey: What in the world are you blathering about?

Sayaka turns to face Madoka and Kyubey: Oh, just some wish ideas. I want to make it super good.

Kyubey: Look, I know the promise for anything with one wish is tempting, but you should really think this over.

Sayaka: Hitomi deserves something for always being there for me.

Kyubey: You... you shouldn't just sell your life away for...

Sayaka: I can share some of my chocolate with her!

Kyubey: Y... you need to listen to me! This is serious!

Madoka: Give it up, I've been trying to get through to her for years and nothing.

Homura watching from the shadows

Homura: Hey... I heard you wanna be a magical girl.

Sayaka turns to Homura with an angry face: Oh no! The moe girl!

Homura: Moe sells.

Sayaka: Its pandering to a fan base that is viewed by the majority of society as sick and pathetic! Sure moe looks cute, but its all there to get a rise out of-

Madoka: So! You here to give me an ominous warning about not becoming a magical girl?

Sayaka mumbling something about neets and the fall of society... not important.

Homura: Actually I came here to tell the blue haired freak that Gen had made her the star of this anime.

Sayaka: ZOMG! Gen Urobuchi said that. I am so happy! This must mean I really am destined to be a magical girl.

Madoka: You... you know he's also called Uro"butcher" right? His characters always meet some dark-

Sayaka: I am super awesome pants Sayaka! Defender of chocolate factories everywhere!

Madoka: Why do I even bother.

Homura: Heh, everything is falling into place. (Turns away) Hair billows in the wind. Exit.

Madoka, Mami, Sayaka, and Space Ferret are now on the side of a busy street at twilight.

Madoka: So... we're not getting cake tonight?

Mami: We're looking for an eldritch abomination to fight. They congregate around here to send people into despair and commit suicide.

Madoka: The eldritch abominations commit suicide?

Mami: No. The people in despair do. Not the abominations.

Madoka: So... that means no cake, right?

Cut to woman on a roof looking completely high.

Woman: I can, see forever... maaaan. (falls off) Wow... man.

Mami: I'll save you, you poor suicidal wretch!

Magical girl transformation, Credens Justitiam plays.

Madoka: Does anyone else smell weed?

Mami: Oh no, Gertrud the Marijuana Witch must be nearby.

Madoka: Mari-wha?

Mami: We must get to her before she sells her wares to the children.

Sayaka: I wish I brought my D.A.R.E. shirt.

Kyubey: Quick get inside the building before she corrupts another innocent.

Madoka: God... I just entered a drug PSA...

While running through the witches labyrinth they see the Pringles men.

Sayaka: Oh my gosh! They must help her with her drug trafficking.

Mami: No, they're just here for the AA meeting that's down the hall.

Madoka: Why am I so surprised to hear that?

Mami: Don't worry. The novelty of all this wears off in a week. It gets surprisingly old.

The group is now at the precipice of Gertrud's room.

Mami: Okay, you guys stay behind this barrier as I go confront the boss of this level.

Madoka: (gaspies) I knew this was a video game...

Mami: Mami, away! (jumps)

Mami now standing before the witch

Mami: Excuse me Gertrud. (curtsey and guns fall out from her skirt) Since we've done this like ten times already, could you bow out just for once? I'm really tired today.

Gertrud: Dooby, Dooby, Doooooo!

Mami: Uh huh... ( starts shooting)

Gertrud: Dooby doo! (dies)

Mami: Wow, fighting witches get easier after you battle the same one for over ten times.

Mami grabs grief seed.

Madoka: Are you going to destroy it so as to stop her from hatching out again and causing...

Mami: Butterfingers. (tosses away) Oh shoot, she got away again. Now I'll have to focus on catching her and ignore any harder witches till I-

Grief Seed tossed back.

Homura: I stopped her as she was making her get away.

Mami: Oh... great... thanks. (tosses again. Gets tossed back to her hand.)

Homura: Now you can go battle new witches and stuff. Aren't you happy to be rid of this drug lord?

Mami: I hate you so much.

Sayaka: Hey, don't lose your _head_ over this Mami.

Mami: Why did you say it like that?

Madoka: Hey, don't get a_head_ of yourself Mami.

Mami: What? Ahead of what.

Homura: _Heads_ will certainly roll in the next episode.

Mami: That's it. No cake for any of you!

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Ending Credits)


	3. Episode Three: Executive Mandate

Episode 3

Madoka and Momoka in the bathroom brushing their teeth while Kyubey enjoys sitting in a finger bowl.

Momoka: What is the space ferret doing in our finger bowl.

Kyubey: Invisible sauna~

Madoka: You can see him too, huh?

Momoka: Everyone can see him. We just pretend we don't see him to make him feel better.

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Opening)

Homura and Mami are in a park at night, the theme of The Godfather is playing.

Mami: You wanted to talk to me?

Homura: We're axing you from the show.

Mami: What?! Why? I'm one of the most popular characters.

Homura: You won moe of the year... I had that in the bag.

Mami: You know Madoka placed behind me right?

Homura: Silence!

Mami: Isn't there anything I can do to stay on the show?!

Homura: Kill Madoka...

Mami: I would never do that! How could you-

Homura: … or Sayaka.

Mami: Okay! Wow... I'm starting to feel so evil right now...

Homura: Welcome to the dark-side.

That same night Madoka is awake in bed.

Madoka: So you really don't want to trick me into giving away my soul so as to prevent the heat death of the Universe?

Kyubey: Yep.

Madoka looks at her notebook: Cool... when did I draw these?

Kyubey: Oh, sorry. I was just feeling inspired and decided to design a cool little dress for you.

Madoka: That is a little creepy... but thanks!

Huge crash sound

Dadoka: Madoka! Help!

Madoka: I'll hide the cold medicine!

Madoka walking down the stairs to find Momoka collapsed on the ground with Dadoka by her side.

Madoka: Bad night, huh?

Momoka:(whines) Mommy needs her fix.

Dadoka: Dear, we talked about this. No more downing a bottle of cold medicine. Drink beer like the rest of us.

Momoka: (sobs) I want my NyQuil!

Dadoka: Get a six-pack! Stat!

Madoka now alone with her Dadoka

Madoka: So apparently Kidoka got into the beer... again.

Kidoka: Mado... (hicup) ka... (thwump)

Dadoka: They always start so young. (sniffle)

Madoka: Look we can send him to this AA meeting I know about. Just make sure he doesn't do anything to provoke his fellow drunks.

The next night!

Mami: Unlimited Musket Works! Curse word!

A witches familiar gets blown up.

Familiar: I just wanted to be loved!

Sayaka and Madoka come out from behind a park bench as everything returns to normal.

Sayaka: Wow Mami, that was awesome. You shot that familiar that was right by me. It was so close, I thought you might hit me by mistake.

Mami: Right... I would never purposefully shoot you to death.

Madoka: She said "by mistake".

Mami: Shoot, I am so bad at this.

Madoka: I'm suddenly very uncomfortable.

Kyubey comes running around and crawls up on Madoka: I'm a squirrel!

Madoka: Why am I hanging out with you freaks?

Sayaka: That's not a nice thing to say about Mami and space ferret.

Kyubey: I have a name you know.

Madoka: Let's just get going. I need to get home before mom finds the NyQuil.

The groups is now walking down a dark and foggy road in the park.

Madoka: I'm starting to wonder... what genre is this anime game anyway. Is it like a turn based RPG and we've just been going through a really long cut scene or is it more like a real time battle simulator.

Mami: I'm pretty sure this is just an anime.

Madoka: Pshaw. The fog is totally being used to hide any enemies in the distance like Silent Hill.

Mami: You know it could just be being used to add to the ambiance of this current scene.

Madoka: Have you played any of the Silent Hills?

Mami: Well no, but I don't see wh-

Madoka: Argument invalid.

Kyubey: What are you two talking about?

Madoka: Just about what kind of medium of entertainment we're currently in.

Kyubey: Huh? This is real life. Why would you say such a silly thing?

Mami: Um... Kyubey...

Madoka: You poor deluded fool.

Sayaka: I think I'll use my wish to make Kyousuke my husbando.

Kyubey: (quiet) What?

Madoka: Hey I just realized. What's up with the bat?

Sayaka: Oh, Kyousuke's almost ready to leave the hospital again.

Madoka: What's that got to do with the bat.

Sayaka: (quiet)

Madoka: S-Sayaka?

Sayaka: It's a... secret.

Kyubey: I'm starting to regret meeting you two...

Sayaka: Who wants to join me in visiting Kyousuke at the hospital tomorrow?!

Mami: I'm starting to feel less guilty about trying to murder you.

Sayaka: What?

Mami: What?

Madoka: I think I'm gonna run on ahead... see you guys later. Hopefully.

Kyubey: I think I'll come along too...

At the hospital

Sayaka entering Kyousuke's room: Hey babe. Missed me?

Kyousuke: Please go away.

Sayaka: Aw, you not feeling well today? Don't worry. This won't take too long. I just wanted to show you my new bat.

Kyousuke: NURSE!

Nurse appears behind Sayaka: Sup foo'?

Sayaka now exiting the elevator: Stupid nurse and her stupid street talking ways...

Madoka: Oh thank God, I was worried they'd end up calling the cops.

Sayaka: (quiet)

Madoka: We should go now.

Sayaka, Madoka, and Kyubey are now walking out of in the hospital's parking lot.

Sayaka: I don't get it, I thought he loved baseball. Why didn't he want to see my new bat?

Madoka: I think he was worried about what you were gonna _do_ with the bat.

Sayaka: (quiet)

Madoka: Please stop doing that.

Sayaka: Look! A black creepy thing attached the hospital!

Madoka: Aw shit...

Both girls quietly look at the grief seed attached to the hospital building.

Kyubey: Uh... you... you should probably get Mami before that thing hatches.

Both girls quietly look at the grief seed attached to the hospital building.

Kyubey: * sigh *

Madoka: I... I'll be back with Mami. You stay with Sayaka and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.

Madoka leaves the two alone.

Sayaka: Imma touch it.

Kyubey: No!

One Mami retrieval later, Madoka and Mami are walking through the witches labyrinth

Mami: So... Madoka. There's something I've got on my chest I'd like to get off it...

Madoka: Is it the fact that you're plotting to murder Sayaka?

Mami: Was it that obvious?

Madoka: Yes, but that's beside the point. I know she's an idiot, but she's part of our nakama. If this really is an anime, game or not, we need to stick together.

Mami: But... if I don't I'll be taken out of the show.

Madoka: I'm sure we can talk to the producer and convince them that your a valuable asset to the show.

Mami: You really think so?

Madoka: I know so. (smiles)

Mami begins to cry: I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sure with the power of our friendship that we'll be able to get through to the producer!

Flash to Madoka and Sayaka watching Mami get her head bitten off by Charlotte.

Madoka: Huh, she was right. She should have killed you.

Sayaka: What?

Madoka: She should have killed you.

Sayaka: Oh.

Kyubey: Okay... I know that I've been telling you guys to not rush into making a wish... (starts freaking out) But we're about to get eaten! Make a wish! Make a wish! Make a wish!

Homura steps out of shadows: That won't be necessary.

Homura starts jumping around with the Mario jump sound: Boing, boing, boing.

After Charlotte blows up, Homura walks over to Madoka, Kyubey, and Sayaka.

Madoka: My theory on this being a video game keeps getting further proved.

Kyubey: Whew, thank you mysterious magical.

Madoka: Did you forget she tried to kill you a few days ago.

Kyubey: She what?

Homura: Let's not live in the past. I'm just here to ensure that you guys will live on to see the tragedy that I have planned for you both.

Kyubey: What kind of monster are you.

Homura: I'm the Executive Producer.

Sayaka, Kyubey, and Madoka: Noooooooooo!

Homura: Kay bye. (turns away) Silent exit into shadows...

Madoka: So... now what do we do?

Kyubey. Is it bad of me to say that I'm kind of hungry for cheeseburgers?

Sayaka: Yaay cheeseburgers!

Madoka: I look forward to your eventual death.


	4. Episode Four: Dealing With A (cake) Loss

Episode 4

Sayaka is running through the hospital.

Sayaka: Kyousuke~ my sweet little Kyousuke~ I brought you a special present!

Sayaka opens the door to Kyousuke's room and discovers its empty.

Sayaka: Damn it! He transferred hospitals again!

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Opening)

Madoka stands outside of Mami's old apartment.

Madoka: (sigh)

Madoka enters into Mami's old apartment.

Madoka: (ssiigghh)

Madoka places her notebook on a coffee table than stands back... in Mami's old apartment.

Madoka: (Ssssssiiiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhh)

Madoka begins to choke up and cry.

Madoka: I'm sorry...

Close up of Madoka's teary face.

Madoka: I'm so sorry... I never got her dessert recipes.

Madoka is now leaving the apartment building.

Madoka: This sucks... it really melted in my mouth... it was so magical.

Homura appears in front of Madoka: Sup.

Madoka: Oh, the freak. (starts to wipe eyes) Oh sorry. I meant deranged lunatic.

Homura: So... were you up there weeping for the loss of a friend, whom you feel that you failed due to your own weakness even though there was nothing that you could do about it.

Madoka: What, no. I'm just upset I never got her cake recipes.

Homura: Didn't she leave anything hanging around in her house?

Madoka: No! That was what I was checking. All I found was a prize for moe of the year on a mantle piece.

Close up of Homura: That stupid cow...

Madoka: What?

Homura: Let's go for a walk by a construction site.

Madoka: That's a strange juxtaposition.

Homura: I'll give you some exposition.

Madoka: Mmm... 'kay.

We are now passing by a construction site.

Homura: And then... my puppy died from a delicate disease that begins with a c...

Madoka: That is not exposition!

Homura: Plebeian, to understand this story you must understand the entirety of my life story. Now where was I... ah yes. Then my kitten died from syphilis.

Madoka: …

Homura: We think she got it from her mother or something.

Madoka: You need to shut up now.

Homura: (turns to Madoka) Fine, see if I ever am gracious enough to regale you my life experiences again. I was getting to the part with my parakeet... well maybe I could tell you a bit mor-

Madoka: (Starts to cry) My Godoka, please shut up! Shut up! I don't want to hear about how you're parakeet died from a diabetic shock, or how your ferret died from a surprise heart attack! I just want you to tell me what the hell is going on here?! What kind of a video game am I in?

Homura: … Huh, how'd you know about my Ferret Momo?

Madoka: (screams in frustration)

Flash over to the school building with Madoka crying into Sayaka's shoulder.

Madoka: She just wouldn't shut up about her dead animals... it was horrible.

Sayaka: It's okay Madoka. I'm sure if you make a contract with Kyubey, you can wreak an unholy vengeance upon her that will not be forgotten till the world boils away in a sea of madness.

Madoka: What?

Sayaka: I've stared into the eyes of cruelty Madoka... and it's a woman that speaks street.

Madoka: (sniffle) Is this about the bouncer nurse again?

Sayaka: The little tart keeps getting in the way between me and my Kyoyo! She will pay dearly.

Kyubey: (sitting off a few yards away) You know... the longer I hang around here the more I wonder if this is a school for the criminally insane.

Madoka: I have to admit... that is a very legitimate observation.

Madoka is now out at night walking by herself.

Madoka: Nothing like a walk at night grinding for xps... oh great...

Hitomi walks by: Oh, Madoka! I'm so glad I came across you.

Madoka: Hi... Hitomi... what do you want?

Hitomi: Why would I want any more from life~

Madoka: Stop being happy. It's freaking me out.

Hitomi: Oh Madoka, I want you to come with me to a place of magic and wonder. Something wondrous is gonna happen tonight.

Madoka: Hmm... I'm going to go against every impulse in me to run away like an idiot and instead follow you to whatever cultish activity you're up to.

Hitomi: Super!

Hitomi and Madoka are now inside of an abandoned ware house with cult chanters.

Chanters: Fear of the blood brings fear of the flesh... fear of the blood brings fear of the flesh...

Madoka: Oookay, not that I don't like the Silent Hill reference here but what's going on?

A person starts pouring a liquid into a bucket, while another person is coming with another liquid thing...

Hitomi: A special ritual. Remember how you told me I could never break you heart since Harry Mason isn't real?

Madoka: Oh no...

Hitomi: Oh yes! (strikes a pose) Madoka! I have sold half my fractured soul to the dark forces all so I could get the last ingredients for this dark ritual!

Madoka: No!

Hitomi: Harry will be mine!

Madoka: No! (Madoka grabs at the bucket and runs it to the window) Psychic window break! (the window shatters) Toss! (Madoka now stares wearily up at the broken window) Was that foreshadowing for my powers to come, or just a plot hole...

Hitomi: You just wasted my three days of traversing the underworld and waiting in the DMV! Get her my zombie minions!

Chanters: 'Kay...

Madoka: Oh sh**! (Runs to a closet and locks herself in) I knew this was a survival horror game! Wait...

(The world around Madoka begins to alter)

Madoka: OH SH************! I just locked myself in a boss battle room didn't I? When did I last save?! (Madoka gets pulled into the TV by angel things) My progress!

(Madoka now floats absently in space as the witch Elly closes in with her minions tearing Madoka apart.)

Madoka: I don't even know how to battle! Where was the mandatory tutorial? Has this all been one long cut-scene?

Elly: You're being awfully calm about being torn apart.

Madoka: Oh... whatever...

Elly: … Freakish...

(A flash of light comes and kills Elly)

Elly: Aaaaaaa~! (splat)

(As the dust settles Madoka sees Sayaka appear from behind all the dust clouds created by the battle)

Madoka: * gaspies * I just realized something horrible!

Sayaka: Oh don't worry Madoka. It's cool. I know it'll be dangerous, but I'll be sure to be careful and-

Madoka: Homura was right! You really are the main character! NOOOOOOO!


	5. Episode 5: Accepting Destined Mediocrity

Kyoko: Heh, spying on bluehaired girls and invalids is fun!

Kyubey: I worry about you sometimes Kyoko.

Kyoko: Only sometimes?

Kyubey: All the time really, I just thought it best to feign ignorance.

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Opening)

Sayaka: Oh yeah, I'm a badass.

Madoka: So great, you're the main character . . . How did this happen?!

Sayaka: (Narrating) Last time on Puella Magi Sayaka Magica . . . the brave, but foolish Madoka runs off in an attempt to save her dear friend Hitomi.

Madoka: (Madoka is walking with Hitomi down to the abandoned warehouse) My dear what now?

Sayaka: The kiss of a witch had worked its magic on Hitomi and many others, leaving them in a state of suicidal bliss, with only Madoka free from the horrible spell!

Chanters: Fear of the blood brings fear of the flesh . . . Fear of the blood brings fear of the flesh . . .

Madoka: You weren't even there for this part, stop making stuff up!

Sayaka: Luckily Madoka remembered the random fact her mother had taught her.

Momoka: (flashback with Momoka showing Madoka two bottles) Now remember Madoka, Super Wash is for toilet cleaning, sterilization, and deodorization! Never mix it with this knock off brand, the results would be disastrous.

Madoka: (Runs towards the warehouse window with the bucket in her hands) Did you even read the script from the last abridged episode?

Sayaka: Madoka saves the poor victims from dying, but the spell still has them and they peruse her in an attempt to kill her for ending their ceremony!

Madoka: (Hiding in the closet) And then Sayaka saves me from a witch, and blah blah blah.

Sayaka: (Back to present after the witch's death) I see, you wanted to skip to the part where I tell you how I became a magical girl, eh?

Madoka: Yes, kindly tell me how you bound your destiny to an eternity of pain and suffering that will only end in the sweet release of death, which may never come if you succumb to despair.

Sayaka: . . .

Madoka: . . .

Sayaka: Anyway!

(Flashback)

Kyubey: Uh . . . you do realize that he's just in the hospital due to a sprained wrist right?

Sayaka: Healing him will make him love me, and we'll live happily ever after and have lots of fan fiction about us!

Kyubey: Does he even know you're making this wish for him?

Sayaka: His heart will tell him that I did it for him. It will tell him. That's what I believe.

Kyubey: There is a difference between belief and reality you kno-

Sayaka: Silence space ferret!

Later as Sayaka wheels Kyousuke about.

Kyousuke: Look, I don't know how you got past security, but I still have the restraining order on you.

Sayaka: Paper can not separate our love Kyoyo~

Kyousuke: As soon as I get out of here I'm hooking up with the first girl I see that's not you and pretend that we're truly in love.

Sayaka: Why are you telling me that?

Kyousuke: Because I've been with you long enough to know your delusions of me won't let you see me as wanting to hurt you for very long and will reset you to being your usual chipper self.

Sayaka: Let's go to the roof!

Kyousuke: What for?

Sayaka: Paraplegic base jumping! Heh . . . heh heh heh . . .

Kyousuke: Nurse!

(Back to present)

Madoka: Wait, were you being sarcastic or serious when you told him that.

Sayaka: . . .

Madoka: Your silence could go either way honestly.

Sayaka: Back to flashback!

(Like she said)

(The doors to the roof slowly opens to reveal Kyousuke's parents standing in wait)

Kyousuke: M-mom? Dad? What is going on?

Fathersuke: She's crazy son. She knows things, things not even I knew.

Kyousuke: Mom, Dad, what are you saying?

(Kyosuke is handed a violin)

Mothersuke: Play it son, maybe it'll make the crazy in her go away.

Kyousuke: I-I'll try. (begins to play an elegant Ave Maria, the whole group on the roof listening enraptured.)

Sayaka: So hot~

Kyousuke: No! I made it worse, again!

(back to present)

Madoka: I'm starting to wonder if you're a serial killer, seriously Sayaka what the heck?

Sayaka: Don't worry, I'll be careful. No one's caught me yet.

Madoka: Wait what?! You didn't actually hurt anyone did you?

Sayaka: Dogs are awesome!

Madoka: . . . God help us.

(Later at a diner)

Madoka: So, okay, you weren't lying about Sayaka being the real main character of this story were you.

Homura: Right . . .

Madoka: So what does that make me?

Homura: Her best friend character, you know. The boring insignificant character who gets nothing out of the series except fan ire due to your taking away from the main plot. (opens up her steaming cup of coffee) The role really sucks.

Madoka: That can't be! I don't want to go down in history as the boring friend character!

Homura: Good luck with that.

Homura: (to herself) She suspects nothing . . . my plan is going off without a hitch.

Madoka: You mumble something?

Homura: Huh? Oh, yeah, but it wasn't for your ears.

Madoka: Hmm . . . sounds suspicious.

Homura: It is.

Madoka: Well okay then.

(Later Madoka travels with Sayaka on her first patrol, right now Sayaka is in the middle of battling the familiar Anja)

Sayaka: I'm so happy you came along as moral support Madoka, its so nice to have friends like you standing on the background acting as an audience surrogate.

Madoka: Erficbajasj! I mean, of course Sayaka. I'm here solely as moral support . . . as is my unfortunate destiny . . .

(Kyoko suddenly appears and disrupts Sayaka's battle with Anja)

Kyoko: Rival scene!

Sayaka: Oh no! I knew it was a matter of time!

Madoka: I still can't believe that I'm a minor character in this . . .

Kyoko: Fight! (Kyoko goes flying at Sayaka and starts whaling on her)

Sayaka: I'll beat y- (Gets hit) ow. I'll beat yo- (Gets hit again) ow. I'll beat you thi- (Hit again) ow.

Madoka: (standing by as Sayaka keeps going ow) This . . . isn't what I expected a main character to be like.

Sayaka: Ow! That really hurt that time!

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Ending)


	6. Episode Six: Break a Leg Pal

Episode 6

Madoka watches as Sayaka and Kyoko fight.

Sayaka: Ow, ow, ow, ow-

Madoka: This fight scene sucks.

(Puella magi Madoka Magica Opening)

Madoka: She seriously can't be the main character right? She's getting pretty owned.

Sayaka: Ha, I'm catching my second wind-

Kyoko: Boop (shoves Sayaka with her spear and launches her off)

Sayaka: My organs!

Madoka: This isn't gonna be one of those deconstruction animes is it?

Homura freeze time and stops the fight between Kyoko and Sayaka

Homura: You have no idea kid.(knocks out Sayaka) Deconstruct this!

Sayaka: (before completely falling unconscious) So. . . meaningful . . .

Kyoko: Hey! Number eight is not pleased with this!

Homura: What does two say?

Kyoko personality 2: Hey leave me out of this!

Kyoko personality 8: Get back in your cage two!

Kyoko personality 2: No! Don't hurt me! Aaaaa!

Madoka: … Ya'll are crazy as ****

Kyoko: (gasp) Such language! I'm out of here. (jumps away)

Madoka: . . .

Homura: So yeah, just be sure to tell Sayaka to follow her heart and junk and everything will be okay.

Madoka: That's doesn't look like its true from everything I've seen so far.

Homura: Heh, heh heh... Mwahahahaha!

Madoka: Why is everyone I meet lately a psycho!

Sayaka in her room cleansing her soul gem.

Sayaka: So why are they called grief seeds anyway?

Kyubey: Oh, because they contain the soul of magical girls who have fallen into utter despair. Their suffering aids us in preventing the heat death of the universe. It's a brave sacrifice, but that what makes these girls so noble!

Sayaka: He he, you so funny space ferret.

Kyubey: (takes grief seed into his back) Um, I'm serious. Don't you know this already?

Sayaka: You didn't say anything about it before I became a magical girl.

Kyubey: I didn't? Dang . . . HR is going to kill me if anything bad goes down.

Sayaka: So wait, if I were to fall into despair Imma turn into one of those monsters I fight?

Kyubey: . . . Yeeees . . . Sorry, if I had known I hadn't told you yet I would have never-

Sayaka: Awesome!

Kyubey: Wha . . .

Sayaka: They look so freaking awesome! I can't wait to turn into one~ Kyousuke will fall for me entirely once I turn into something so boss.

Kyubey: You know he's more likely to freak out and run away from you.

Sayaka: Not with the power that I'll control. He'll be mine for certain!

Kyubey: . . . Madoka is right, ya'll are psycho.

At an arcade Kyoko and her multiple personalities are playing a dance battle game

Kyoko personality 8: Step it up three!

Kyoko personality 3: You're going too fast for me, ask five to do it.

Kyoko personality 5: Leave me out of it, I'm content to just kick back and watch you two dance this out.

Kyoko personality 3: Why you little-

Homura: Ahem. Sorry if I'm interrupting something, but we have an important matter to discuss.

Kyoko personality 8: Number eight doesn't wish to hear it Yakuza Princess.

Homura: How did you-?! Never mind. In two weeks time a witch called Derwienerschnitzel will come here and-

Kyoko personality 8: Wha? A witch called Walpurgisnacht is coming?

Homura: No, I said Derwiener-

Kyoko personality 8: You want number eight to take this seriously, then don't give this witch such a stupid name.

Homura: Look I didn't name it, but whatever. If you can help me destroy the tow- I mean defeat this witch I can give you anything you want. You can have this whole town as your territory.

Kyoko personality 8: Snore!

Homura: . . . And you can have all the Pocky you want.

Kyoko stops dancing and turns around to face Homura, holding up a box of Pocky.

Kyoko personality 8: Now you talking number eight's language~

Madoka and Sayaka are now alone in an alley with Kyubey.

Kyubey: I'm glad you could all meet me here today. I called into work and they said that we could possibly reverse this magical girl thing before it goes south for you.

Madoka: What? You can reverse this?

Kyubey: Well yeah, the girls are free to revoke their wishes if they want.

Madoka: Oh my gosh! Sayaka, you can still have a normal life! I don't know why I care, but you could stop having to fight these witches and that magical girl and-

Sayaka: You honestly thought what happened the other day was just a fight.

Madoka: . . . Um . . . technically speaking it was. But back to the topic of you turning back into a regular-

Sayaka: That was no fight. That was a real battle to the death.

Madoka: . . . Are you, deflecting me?

Sayaka: Dogs are awesome!

Madoka: Oh my gosh, you totally are!

Kyubey: Listen Sayaka, you don't understand how serious your situation is. You should really reconsider in case anything bad happens to you like you becoming a wit-

Sayaka: I am Sayaka Awesome Pants Miki! I will not listen to this! I am the hero of Japan! Kyousuke loves me!

Madoka: Please, if you become normal, I could maybe become the star of this show.

Sayaka: No! I'm the cool one! You're my meaningless friend who everyone will forget! (storms off) I'm so totally cool... I'll show ya . . . I'll have a rematch with that feral magical girl and show you how good I am.

Madoka: (cries) Kyubey, why is Sayaka such a dumbass.

Kyubey: I wouldn't have put it like that, but I'm working on it . . . I seriously don't want HR finding out that she didn't know the whole deal before making a contract. There will be mounds of paper work and I'll be replaced!

At night in the Madoka household.

Madoka: (coming down the stairs) Hey Momoka? Can I ask you something?

Momoka: Sure sweety, just pull up a seat.

Madoka: (Sitting down with orange juice) So . . . let's say I have this friend and she ended up getting the part in . . . a "play" I wanted. She's all happy with it, but I really wanted it. What should I do?

Momoka: Well, Madoka, the best thing to do is just be happy for her and let her enjoy her moment to shine. I know it hurts, but you'll have other chances to shine.

Madoka: But what about if she tells me I'm basically a loser and that the part I play will leave me fading into obscurity forever?

Momoka: She said that?

Madoka: More or less . . .

Momoka: Then here is what you do. Tell her to break a leg~

Madoka: Mom, you really think I should be so nice to her after-

Momoka: Then push her down a flight of stairs. Or something like that.

Madoka: Wow mom, thanks you for the great life lesson!

Momoka: You're turning into such a lovely young lady Madoka.

Madoka: He he~

Up on a bridge in the middle of the night.

Kyoko personality 8: So, you wanna battle me again do ya? I'll be sure to take your lunch money too this time.

Sayaka: Ha, if anyone taking lunch money its . . . not . . . you.

Kyoko personality 8: Weak! Fight now!

Homura: (suddenly appears) And what do you think your doing.

Kyoko personality 8: A rival fight? Duh, its an anime tradition.

Homura: Bah, traditions are meant to be broken. I suggest you kill her.

Kyoko personality 8: Number eight just wants lunch money . . .

Madoka: Sayaka!

Sayaka: Huh, background friend character. What are you doing here.

Madoka: . . . (snatches soul gem and runs to edge of bridge) I'm doing it ma!

Sayaka: Madoka, what are you- (Sayaka's eyes go blank and she falls over) Dead.

Kyubey: Do not throw souls!

Homura: No, she wanted this? She can't die yet! (poofs away)

Kyoko personality 8: What the hell just happened? She have an aneurysm or something?

Kyubey: What? Don't you know that your souls are housed in your soul gems?

Kyoko personality 8: Wha?

Kyubey: . . . Oh God I forgot to tell you guys about that didn't I. No wonder you threw it Madoka. You wanted to stop your friend from fighting so you thought throwing her power source would stop her.

Madoka: . . . Right. I had no idea that Sayaka's soul was in there.

Kyubey: . . .

Madoka: . . .

Kyoko personality 8: Number 8 is still confused. My soul is in my shiny gem thing?

Kyubey: Yeah . . . sorry about you finding out about this like- (Kyoko grabs Kyubey by the ears) Ow! Ow! Ow! Not the ears! Not the ears!

Kyoko personality 8: I still keep the Pocky boxes right?

Kyubey: . . . Yes, all eight of them.

Kyoko personality 8: Then I'm good.

Madoka: Pickpocket~

Kyubey: Madoka, are you stealing from your nearly dead friend?

Madoka: Hey, so that's where the taser battery went.

Kyubey: Dear God, what is going on here? Why are you all so crazy?! Why am I having such memory trouble? Who's responsible for all this?!

Homura: (finds gem on truck) Sheesh . . . making a really dark anime is harder than I thought


End file.
